(21) time
Aquarius season’s learnings. Overwhelmed is an undestatement.
Hello, I missed you. This is going to be a long entry, so get ready for it. Before we start, I wanted to make a small announcement, very quickly: I’m launching my own fashion brand, it’s called Fugitiva! If you want to know more about it make sure to explore it here, take a super fun quiz I made, follow on social media and of course, share! (The funny—not haha funny—thing is that this is in big part the reason why I’m writing all that’s to come…) ENJOY.
This is not a pity party, this is to be *better*
01
Have you ever got that feeling of needing to create that Army of you to fight everything that’s out there against you only to find out that the only one thing against you is yourself? I hope you haven’t but I know I’m not alone here. This is how the whole Aquarius Season treated me. Ego highs and lows. So low.
Let me tell you something about time and me, my relationship with time. Sometimes time and timing can be something magical, full of signs, affirmations, even reassurance. It’s like any record in the Olympics, we count accomplishments with time. The fastest, the longest; some accomplishments are about beating time, others are about enduring. It seems like a healthy way to cope with limitations, but it is full of pressure.
When I make my life be counted in hours in the name of time management, there’s always a fine line for me where I turn anxious. I get motivation by completing the tasks I said to myself I would do in the section of time I put myself to do it. “Great job (oh, what an athlete). What’s next?” As you read on my past newsletter I divide what I want to achieve in a year in just three months. I divide the tasks in monthly goals. Then I divide them by week. Then by day. Then by hours. Then I turn myself into my worst nightmare: a 9-5 non-stop. Breaks where you eat and keep working. A boring, micro managing, no space for spontaneity kind of, not even job, LIFE.
So this month, by doing this, I went downhill.
In a way I kind of wanted that. You know, I’ve had my counted shares of Breakdowns in my twenties. The kind of breakdown that builds up slowly for days, makes you spiral down a weird path, you explode and only then it finally makes you slap yourself to get into reality and to see it as beautiful as it is. Like a dark night of the soul that makes you reconfigure your whole life path. That kind of thingy… What I wanted was to get to this space as fast as I could and I know (and now my therapist knows that I know) that it is not sustainable to get to the good, lecturing part by pushing yourself down a pit. I got to figure out better ways to just get to the beautiful part everyday, micro dose it. But this is the way I did it this time.
I was urged to get in this tired space where I wanted everything to stop for me to breathe. In just one weekend I got super far, I talked to myself as if I was the worst villain in the world, a useless human, I cried myself to sleep, I only ate one meal a day, I didn’t shower for a while, I would get so anxious if I tried to text a friend or even think about responding a story so I couldn’t even have a conversation. I got the most critical I’ve ever been on myself. It was not cute, for a Virgo, criticizing is a sport, one that we are very good at. I can be so harsh with no reason to be.
And I go to therapy every week. This month, my therapist would always be asking me: Are you satisfied? And I would lie to myself thinking that I was, kind of, yeah, sure. But that’s the thing. I was unsatisfied with everything happening around me. And it was because of course “nothing was going according to PLAN”.
And I felt guilt, and I felt shame. I was seeing people on social media having a fun time and I compared myself to them because I saw some similarities in their lifestyle, Mexican girls who just moved to London and I was like “wait!! How are they having a good life here? London is so shitty. Why can I not have a great time here, too?”. I put it out onto my partner, I thought she was the problem, I even compared myself to her because she was going out and I wasn’t. I put it out onto my work, I thought I was failing and didn’t had the time to do it perfectly even though I put all my time into it, IT WAS NEVER ENOUGH. I put it out onto people that were just trying to help me because I asked them to. I was just saying to myself like “you know what, don’t let anyone help you, you can do it better by yourself”. So I put barriers around me, and became overwhelmed. Nothing was bad, nothing was out of plan, I could’ve gone out and have a balanced life, the only thing that was pressuring me was seeing everything failing in the schedule I designed myself.
02
Now to the good part of timing, today (I wrote this on Monday) is the New Moon in Pisces. What a better day to feel good, to feel ready for a clean slate. New moons mark new beginnings.
My partner, my therapist and my best friend’s voices and advice helped me get out of my head.
“Take out the shame and guilt. Leave room for love”
“Being the main character is not necessarily being the center of attention. You always have to be the main character of YOUR life. You can be in a situation where you are not the main character but you have to be for yourself. So you have to do things where you feel comfortable. Don’t force yourself to live lives that are not yours. Take your own time and your own energy and use it for what you want and what you’re interested in doing. When you waste your time and energy being a character for someone or something else, you become the side character. And that is exhausting because you are not being yourself, you are being a version of you for someone else.”
“You have achieved a lot of things by being here in London. But what would happen and what is so bad about going back to Mexico having not achieved anything?”
Taking a long walk, taking my TIME to write this on paper with no distractions, just me sinking into these words and questions to myself got me out of where I shoved myself into. So this is my own advice: Time heals, too.
Time is not just the numbers in the clock. Time is the breaths you take. Sometimes you need lots of it to get back to you again. And nothing is wasted. Everything takes time.
ALSO hehe. I think I PMS’ed to close to the sun.
03
I’ll leave the paid segment for the next post: you can expect a quick review and favorite quotes from the two books I’ve been reading this past month + what to expect from Pisces season. All before Pisces season gets too ahead, I promise. A little hint: Let yourself dream, sleep and see beauty in everything.
congratulations on the new brand, it sounds super exciting!!