(13) how to not disappear completely
when things go bad showing up and caring for another is harder than it seems, at least for a depressed selfish young woman
Once again, one month later I appear on your mailbox (or internet browser if you are reading directly from substack, which I recommend). I have been in a weird phase, feeling in an avoidant mood with myself and my thoughts. I was at home and left for a while to Paris then made it back to London to witness the heat of my desert hometown and survive it with two not so powerful but effective fans.
Today I'm gathering bits of writings I made in my journal, this is me trying to put the pieces together yet not wanting to share that much about what has been happening lately in my personal life. I want to show what I thought and think I learned from these rough times about helping, being present and caring.
*Disclamer: some days I’m in the mood of talking TO me and others of talking ABOUT me, so it’s a weird combination of first person and third person when I journal.
*Disclamer no.2: This e-mail has a lot of pictures, if you don’t see it complete click the title and head over to Substack on your browser or app.
I'll share some pictures of the places where I wrote this stuff and some fun times too.
I'm announcing as well that I've been a little bit more active on my TikTok showing my everyday outfits and creating some outfit ideas (an on and off hobby of mine), sooo check it out here.
my feet are burning
29-06-22
There was a woman down the path who showed me a heron. We rarely see them, they rarely get close to the city, to people. But they are here at the wetlands. I felt special. Why would a heron wanted me to watch it? Why did this woman speak to me? Why did I felt like stopping and listening? I cared. The heron took me somewhere. It took me back to being alone with everything being there. Nothing stops. A heron just wanted to pass by. A woman just wanted me to see it. I stopped. I saw what was around me.
I kept walking. The wetlands are a beautiful place. Free sightseeing just around the corner.
sharing curiosities
30-06-22
Been feeling way better. Having conversations true self to true self, being vulnerable and open with Anna.
I am grateful for the little things that appear out of nowhere. People who talk to you just because. I like people showing themselves and sharing curiosities.
When I dedicate my focus on something, it expands. My senses are sharp. I am present. Focus on feeling good.
"you okay?"
02-07-22
It's weird how sometimes strangers make you feel better than the company you choose. People want to help. They see a "woman" crying and all they are watching is a little girl who doesn't know what to do, where to go, not even how to ask for help.
They help.
Everyone helps in their own ways. Some by offering a drink, others by asking if you want to talk about it, others offer their last cigarette to you. You are suddenly not the lucky one by receiving all of this, its them by giving something they have and value to you.
learn through love
04-07-22
It worked. Understanding another person requires effort. I have to learn and take responsibility for my own actions, decisions and words. Yesterday, Anna and I went to sleep after a long, very entertaining, very enriching conversation about each other. Today I woke up and wanted to just kiss her, hug her and be with her. We both have been seeing the good and the bad, knowing deeply each other.
I am grateful that I am at home, in our home. I appreciate that inner light that guides me despite feeling bad. I adore knowing that I can trust myself.
I appreciate the moments that allowed me to understand many things. I am grateful for the fear, the doubt and that these feelings allow me to realize what I am capable of.
feel your feelings
05-07-22
Do things for yourself, Aitanni. Feel your feelings, embrace yourself. You are going to be okay. I love you. You are not alone. You got this.
full circle, different loop
06-07-22
Change the dynamics. Evolution doesn't happen doing the same thing over and over again. We all want to be here, we all want to be heard, seen and loved. We sometimes slip and fall into a pit, it was not that deep this time, but the light was already dimming. Change the dynamics. Be aware before falling into the pit.
Anna and I are on our way to Paris. I love Paris. The perfect setting to reconnect with yourself.
don’t value your opinion over my feelings
07-07-22
Learn, listen, try to be supportive without trying to take their voice.
Call out injustice.
I receive new perspectives and ideas that have value eventhough is not specific to my experience.
me siento tranquila
08-07-22
I am so appreciative of the good times I’ve had with amazing people.
I am so grateful to get to spend my days walking through Paris.
I am grateful that the conflicts that Anna and I have turn to conversations and opportunities for growth.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Acciones:
Take it easy
Budget/plan
Love
Be creative and open
we still have summer ahead
18-07-22
I’m back in London. Today marks my first year being partners with Anna. It feels like it’s only getting better. We’re both on the same page. I love her and feel it. It’s going to be fine and great, we still have summer ahead. She’s around. She’s there for me. Te siempre.
we both care and I love that
19-07-22
Focus on what you love. Give, give, give.