(08) thoughts on just being
accept what you are, admire what you're not (yet)
I’ve been in a rollercoaster of feelings, not really sure if I’d cried lately. Maybe I did, it’s been two weeks since my last entry. Escribiré la mayoría de esta carta en inglés, me es más sencillo escribir en pluma en inglés, sale más rápido. Y esta es una transcripción de mi diario.
Btw, I changed my homepage and banner. It’s finally spring!
EVERYTHING *I’M NOT* MADE ME EVERYTHING *I AM*.
01
It’s overwhelming. Close people want to know about myself, I’ve been talking about myself with myself for the past five months, I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOU. But I guess I just don’t say it, I keep this to myself. I keep forgetting how to have a conversation.
I’ve been in London for six months now, I’m going back to Mexico tomorrow. I’m excited, nervous, happy, stressed, anxious then again, excited. I was thinking about my change in routine, how I’ve been spending the last six months “adjusting”. SIX MONTHS. Wanting to be like I was. Refusing to accept the change. Without knowing, I’ve been exhausting myself once again by setting expectations. This time, my expectations weren’t something I’ve never been, they were made upon something I used to be, everything I used to do, how I was used to feeling. (Ok, some of them were about things I’ve never tried to be).
I would love to be a person who rides their bike everywhere, but I’m not.
I would love to be a person that makes friends with strangers easily through small talk, but I’m not.
I would love to be a person who wakes up every day with no hesitation directly to work on their passion, on their thing, but I’m not.
I would love to be a person who runs around and wanders everywhere with no resistance to go out, but I’m not.
I would love to be a person of action, but I’m not.
I would love to be a person who finishes the things they say they’d do, but I’m not.
I would love to be a person who practices yoga every single day, but I’m not.
I would love to be a person who feels good, who feels love, who feels unstoppable since they wake up, but I’m not.
I would love to be a person who writes about life with a positive insight, who shares the ways they express love and self care and motivates others to do the same, but I’m not.
I would looove to be a person who’s not doubting themselves,
who doesn’t feel shame in creating, in sharing the words they think,
who’s not comparing themselves with others,
who’s not looking out who’s paying attention to them to feel better about what they do,
who’s always sure about what they have to say and aso able to listen to what otheres have to say,
who’s giving with no expectations,
who’s private and reserved but still open to receive and knows boundaries on how much to give,
and I’m trying.
Trying to not make my daydreams and expectations my only reality.
I FEEL LIKE MY *THROAT AND HEART CHAKRAS* ARE CLOSED. OMW TO OPEN.
02
By talking about this with my partner, I’ve come to realize that it has to do with how I’ve been living for the past two years. If I look back, 2020 was my year of waking up to myself, of being and creating unapologetically, of changing my whole operating system (and I know it’s been like this for a lot of people, too). I began to speak with myself and my therapist about what I wanted to do for myself, on how to grow, on how to give and receive love, how to take care of myself and creating good habits and routines that helped me reinforce my new visions and resolutions.
I moved places once, twice, up to three times now. In every single place I changed a bit of myself. I have pieces of me in my hometown, I also have a side to me that I left in Ensenada, then in Mexico City I created another version of myself and now being in London I gave up on so many aspects that I was just getting used to, that I liked. Now I’m maybe just overwhelmed with excitement and anticipation because I’m coming back to these aspects that I miss so much. And sometimes I feel like London hasn’t been the experience I wanted it to be.
When you move to a new place indefinitely is like being born again. It takes time to stand up, then to crawl, then to walk and then to start running again.
I just want to go back to running.
IT DOESN’T MAKE YOU ANY LESS *YOU* IF YOU DON’T DO IT.
03
I do feel better now that I have written all of this down. I am still very excited to go on vacation mode, to visit my beloved Mexico and the people that make it my favorite place to be. I’m also excited for my next newsletters, I’ll be having lots of experiences in different cities with my partner, with my family, with my friends. I’ll let my ideas and inspirations flow.
Keep it cUUUUUuuuuuute!
04
Dejo por aquí las plataformas donde me pueden seguir para comentar, mandar lo que piensan, cualquier recomendación, cosita que les recuerde a este bonito espacio muy mío, muy para ustedes. Twitter, insta, spotify, link to share to your friends pa que se suscriban…
